Tuesday, January 26, 2010
This time last year, I had a job that kept me in a small room with three other people all day and usually part of the night. I was working 10-12 hour days everyday, and many time I would work the same schedule from home on the weekend. Not only did the work schedule stink, but I was basically the complaint department in my office. If someone didn't like something we did, they spoke with me. They would call me to yell at me and call me nasty names, or e-mail me and of course call me really nasty names, or sometimes they would send letters and yell at me and, again, call me nasty names.
To put it mildly, I was a sad girl who was losing faith in the human race. Not only was my fellow man disappointing me, but I was willingly sacrificing everything wonderful in my life to prove to myself and everyone around me, that I could do it all. I wanted to prove that I was worth having this job and I was able to do the job of three people (before I got there, three people did my job).
In many ways, I am a strong-willed person who doesn't really care what others think of me. However, this feeling goes away when it comes to proving myself needlessly. In many instances, mainly academic and work related situations, I feel like I have to prove that I am smart enough and good enough (I know, it sounds like a Stuart Smalley lead in) to be doing what I'm doing. But, as one of my colleagues told me before I left my job, this ends up undermining my ability to do my job and my lack of confidence and need to prove myself doesn't allow for growth and just ends up taking up my time.
I tell you all of this because I have learned that sometimes what your are looking for isn't where you are looking for it or when you are looking for it. I have learned that sacrificing everything you love for a job that was killing your spirit, isn't ok. But most of all, I have learned that the only approval I need is my own.
On another note, I left my job last May and have been looking for another job off and on since then. My criteria for a job has changed and as my brother pointed out last weekend, I've become more picky.