Smells like ... Spring...

As Franklin and I walked outside this morning we both stopped to smell the air. This is Franklin's normal morning routine, not so much for me though. What caught my attention this morning was the warmth and heaviness of the air. Even though the temperature was in the 30's and there was no sun to be found, it smelled like Spring. 


I know Franklin felt the shift in the air too because he was super excited about his walk. We saw a few other doggie friends and he even played and ran with them, which almost never happens. 


Coats, gloves and scarves are still required for now, but it makes me feel better to know that before long flowers will be blooming and I can shift from a heavy coat to a light wind breaker. Right now, that sounds like heaven. 

Weekly Reflection...

This time last year, I had a job that kept me in a small room with three other people all day and usually part of the night. I was working 10-12 hour days everyday, and many time I would work the same schedule from home on the weekend. Not only did the work schedule stink, but I was basically the complaint department in my office. If someone didn't like something we did, they spoke with me. They would call me to yell at me and call me nasty names, or e-mail me and of course call me really nasty names, or sometimes they would send letters and yell at me and, again, call me nasty names.  


To put  it mildly, I was a sad girl who was losing faith in the human race.  Not only was my fellow man disappointing me, but I was willingly sacrificing everything wonderful in my life to prove to myself and everyone around me, that I could do it all. I wanted to prove that I was worth having this job and I was able to do the job of three people (before I got there, three people did my job). 


In many ways, I am a strong-willed person who doesn't really care what others think of me. However, this feeling goes away when it comes to proving myself needlessly. In many instances, mainly academic and work related situations, I feel like I have to prove that I am smart enough and good enough (I know, it sounds like a Stuart Smalley lead in) to be doing what I'm doing. But, as one of my colleagues told me before I left my job, this ends up undermining my ability to do my job and my lack of confidence and need to prove myself doesn't allow for growth and just ends up taking up my time.  


I tell you all of this because I have learned that sometimes what your are looking for isn't where you are looking for it or when you are looking for it. I have learned that sacrificing everything you love for a job that was killing your spirit, isn't ok.  But most of all, I have learned that the only approval I need is my own. 


On another note, I left my job last May and have been looking for another job off and on since then. My criteria for a job has changed and as my brother pointed out last weekend, I've become more picky. 

Doggie Tales...

Yesterday morning I was running around the house unpacking things and putting stuff away, when I turned around and saw Franklin dreaming about his farm dog days. From October until last week, Franklin had been able to go outside whenever he wanted and run on a nine acre farm with two other farm dogs and a farm cat.  He was in heaven as he bounded up the hills with his ears flapping in the wind and his nose in the air smelling all of the new and different smells. The snow didn't hurt his enthusiasm for country living either.

When I saw him staring out the window yesterday, I know he was wanting someone to let him out so he could freely run, smell and pee on everything he could find. I know adjusting to city life again will take some time for him, so in the mean time my goal is to take him to the dog park more often and to take him on more walks. I think this is the least I can do since he has been such a trooper over the hardest months of our lives.

During our most trying times, he was a protector, a comforter, a snuggler, an entertainer, and just a really great dog. So here is to more walks and more trips to the dog park in 2010. I hope everyone has a great New Year and has someone, even if it's a dog, who is all of these things to you.  Happy New Year!

Putting life back together

Two days ago, I walked into my home for the first time in almost 11 weeks. As I drove through my neighborhood I was amazed how surreal everything looked. I had thought about this moment for weeks and wondered how I would feel as I walked back into my life. Physically speaking very little had changed in our neighborhood. But, as I sat in my car in the garage I teared up. I was thankful to be home but also nervous about what the future holds.

As I sat there, I thought about how much my husband and I have both grown and matured. Really, I think even our dog has matured. He went from a city dog to a farm dog. Although I know he loved being a farm dog, he reverted back to his city dog roots and come inside when it got cold or rainy or was anything less than abundantly sunny.

Going back to human growth in unfortunate circumstances...my husband and I don't have kids, and besides our super-fantastic dog, we haven't really had anything to take care so when it became apparent that we were going to be the main care takers for my husband's mom as she struggled with and eventually succumbed to lung cancer it forced us both to grow up. It forced us to really put other people first and be more patient and understanding people. For me, this experience has made me a more empathetic and compassionate person and with the new year coming up my goal is to continue these traits.

I would also like to remember everyday to be thankful. Not everyday will be perfect and in fact, some will be downright hard but there is always something to be thankful for.

Thankful for...

Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so. 

-Robert Green Ingersoll

It's been a while since I've posted and a lot has changed in my life. My family and I have lost an important member of our family, a main pillar really. And while we are still searching for meaning in all of this and trying to develop a new sense of normal, it's also still  important for all of us to remember what we are thankful for. Today, I am thankful for family. 

My husband and I have a great family who has pulled together to help us care for his Mom while she was battling Stage 4 metastatic lung cancer. With the help of hospice we were able to care for her at home and make her as comfortable as possible, but that didn't make the situation easier.  Since my mother-in-law passed away our family has remained strong and supportive of one another. 

As we prepare to travel home after the holidays, the memories I hope take with me from the past few months is how our families have supported us and when we were weak they were strong and vice versa. I also hope that we always remember that although this has been a difficult time, we are blessed to have one another.